Family, celebration, ritual and community
What really matters: love, connection and remembering we are in this, together.
After a couple of weeks of not knowing where to begin, what emerged was this moment after my daughters 11th Birthday. The sign post began on Saturday morning, when I began to panic about how I was going to support my daughter to create her grand design of a five tier cat birthday cake. She is an extraordinarily gifted cake maker and when she wants to make something, she has clarity and determination.
Having done one shop run and two cake layers on the Friday evening, one of which had sunk by the morning, I was feeling overwhelmed. I phoned a dear friend in the middle of my panic and got some co-regulation and advice. As I breathed in and out I realised I was trying to process making a super complicated cake for the first time, as her mum normally does this, and thinking ahead about the upcoming birthday party, the messy home, what had failed the previous evening, how much it was costing, the lack of the right kit, my own capacity and how on earth it was all going to come together.
I explained all of this to my daughter after walking in and out of the same shop several times and she turned to me and said; “Dad, I don’t want you to facilitate this to happen, I want to make the cake with you and for us to have fun doing it”. Over the next few minutes, as I let the words take me, I realised that I just had to let go of everything else and focus on the cake and having a lovely time. That was the best birthday gift I could give to both of us.
So after another hour or so of trying to get everything in the shops and returning home minus the electric whisk we had planned to get, we bumped into our neighbours and we chatted about our plans and they lent us their amazing kitchen aid. Several hours later we had made and baked 5 layers of cake, used the failed pieces to add an extra dimension to the base layer and planned to make the ears and tail out of marshmallow and coco pops in the morning.
Over the next two days we had a birthday celebrations in three sections. First with her school friends who we played laser tag with and made the first cut into the cake. Next she went off with her mum overnight to celebrate with her mum, aunty and granny. She then came home, to a house dressed in bunting and colour and we had friends over for a few hours from across our various network of connections.
As I reflect on what is important from this experience, it is that children are full of wisdom and I/we need to allow that to touch us when it arrives and alter course. Raising children is not a solo or two person or even family job. When you sense into the way in which community lives around us, we can ask for support and know that when it is our turn to give, then we can return the gift of receiving. Co-regulation is an important tool to reset our nervous systems and be available for children and ourselves in the best possible way. Having fun is important.
As I put her to bed on this final evening of celebration, she said that it still didn’t feel like her birthday. She let me know that she really appreciated everything despite that and she cuddled up before exhaustion and sleep came. We can’t create perfection for our children, and we can show up, be led, lead, create community and rituals, let things be the way they are, and aim for magical, loving moments.
